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  • Writer's pictureJoanna

Horse Face Bitch

Updated: Jun 16, 2023

The trip to New York was fairly uneventful, if you discount exhaustion, crankiness, an overabundance of road construction, check-in confusion, a seemingly never-ending night (or a horrendously early morning, depending on how you look at it) a long flight and my airplane motion sickness.

Yes… as per the norm, nothing went as smoothly as it seems to go when everyone else in the entire world decides to hit the world running. It wasn’t bad… probably just the bad things over accentuated, due to lack of sleep.

Stella and Stuart picked me up at 1:45am and we took off into the dead of the night. Google Maps kept veering us off the regular route, much to our confusion and dismay, but we soldiered on, determined to reach YVR, and convinced we knew more than silly artificial intelligence. Turns out, we were wrong. There was an unfathomable amount of road construction, and therefor, many detours. We were spun around, circled back and rerouted many times. Finally 'Park and Fly' was within grasp and we had made it to the airport, with much time to spare.

Sheena and Kilby were not far behind us.

There was slight confusion into whether we belonged in domestic or international departures. I naturally assumed we would be international, considering our final destination was New York City… but turns out it was domestic, as we had a layover in Calgary .

The lady at check-in was obviously in the same boat as we were. Although lacking in the 'big trip euphoria' department, she possessed a similar touch of ‘early morning cranky.’ Her infamous line, after redirecting us all into the proper line was, “I’ll be back when I actually START work.” And with that, she stomped off and disappeared until 4:07, when she reappeared to start checking us all in.

The Calgary stop over was insignificant. We were all cattled off the the plane, back into the airport, and then subsequently BACK through security and US customs. I fail to understand WHY we can’t be kept in holding to avoid more security lineups. If we’ve already cleared security, and have not come into contact with anyone outside airport security, why bother? It would free up sooo many lineups, frustrations, staffing issues and missed flights. But no one has asked me… so the cheese stands alone. If I ran the airport…

For the flight from Calgary direct to JFK, I was put at a window seat, which I knew was bad news. I temporarily had the entire row of seats to lie down and sleep, but that luxury was short lived when Mike kicked Nicole of of her seat to join me in the back row. Poor Nicole. I have frequently suffered from airplane mode madness, and often I’ve blamed it on the food I’ve eaten, prior to boarding. Regardless, I usually always request an aisle seat… and something near the bathrooms. This usually finds me at the back of the plane and this flight was no exception to the rule. For the entire flight, I either slept or clutched the vomit back, ready to disgorge at any time. I sat there, depleted, dissolved, drained and entirely disabled.... It wasn’t good. Even the stewardess seemed slightly concerned. It must be motion sickness. There is no other explanation.

I was fine as soon as we landed. Of course.

Upon arrival in New York, we made our way to the area of the airport where taxis and Ubers pick up- and were flabbergasted to find an enormously long line up. It was ridiculous and estimated at 45 minutes to longer for a wait. Uber quoted $100 per trip.

Nicole and Mike decided they wanted to be dropped off right at their hotel, and immediately went to join the line. Me, more on the poorer side of vacation life at the moment, made my way to the Travel Assistance desk to inquire about cheaper options.

The results were train and subway. Confusing and a lot more hassle… but cheaper and DEFINITELY the New York experience straight out of the gate!

There was an airport train we had to board. Upstairs… track 1.

This took us to Jamaica station. There was a little disarray due to the fact that you actually have to pay once you arrive at the station, not before you board the train. You could buy one fare for $8… which was valid for 1 person and for only 1 way - OR you could buy an airport train pass for $25. This was valid for 10 trips and could used by up to 4 people. So one card, multi-use. It was a good deal, but seemed too confusing to warrant decent explanation. A definite 'concierge' red-flag. I know it confused me… I can just imagine the looks of pure frustration.

What? Hold on... What? Say again... What?

Perfect for a family, but still odd in the fact that you would have to keep handing the card back to another person in order for them to get through the exit gate..

Once you have that sorted out, then you had to get on the metro (subway), which had all of it’s own set of payment quirks!

Many choices to choose from: One pass for one ride, credit of $10, $20, $30 or a full week pass. There were more too… but something for me to figure out WAY later. We were lucky enough to be the recipients of 4 free metro cards. A lady leaving the city handed them to us before getting on the airport train. I love travellers paying it forward.

From Jamaica station, we took the E line to 7th Avenue area and said our temporary goodbyes to Stella, Stuart, Sheena and Kilby. They headed to the Blakely, with fingers crossed on getting in. I went to the next station with Nicole and Mike to check into our hotel.

It wasn't far away. 11 minutes walk and one metro station. That was a relief because I did want to be close...

The Gallivant.

Right at Times Square.

We walked in to find a bit of a lineup.

The couple at the front were slightly upset, as their reservation was deemed invalid due to an overbooking, and suddenly they found themselves without a place to stay. They

were upset, to say the least, but not as upset as the woman who followed them.

SHE discovered there was no microwave in her room and she peaked.

This lady went off the rails due to false advertising.

It was NO microwave that put her over the edge.

NO microwave.

I could understand her initial frustration, but the level to which she took her exasperation and resentment was beyond any reasonable level of respectable, and once she crossed that line, she just looked like trash. It was all classless trash.

Listening to her blether on for about 15+ minutes, continually repeating herself, getting louder and more animated as her one-sided conversation accelerated, we had all finally had enough.

Nicole finally pipped up with “Ok, we’re all waiting in line.”

Then the fight was on between the two of them.

Back and forth. It went something like this...

"We're all just trying to check in. We're all tired of traveling."

"It's none of your business bitch."

"You're making it our business."

"You don't know what you're talking about, bitch."

"You've said your piece, now time to move on."

"You want a piece of me?"

Antonio, the front desk guy had to get the security guard to come over and break it up.

I hadn’t been in New York for 30 minutes and already there was a fight!

And it was Nicole.

And it had to be broken up!


Once she was in the elevator and had disappeared, I made a quick request not to be in a room next to her... fair request, I think.

When we eventually reached the front desk and were ready to check in, Antonio had fabulous news for us. We thought perhaps it was a jacuzzi in our room or maybe an ocean view… but no… it was not.

Apparently the hotel had overbooked, so subsequently decided to upgrade us to a family room, with 4 beds.

All together.

In the same room.

All together.


His initial description of the room was not really representative of what the room actually was, but we had no other choice but to take it. It was acceptable for one night… but no more. He assured us that we would all be moved in the morning, should we wish to be. Hmmmmm.... The room was described as enormous, four beds… huge. He even went as far as to say that we could invite other friends to stay in the room with us. It seemed like a penthouse… but nothing could be further from the truth.

It was not a penthouse at all.

The room fell far behind anything related to that word.

It was a very small room with 2 double beds and a bunk. It’s hardly conducive to a couple and ME. I suspect we are both paying full price for the room as well.

Our door is kicked in too. Kicked in.

You can see near the bottom where this door obviously endured a New York moment. Let me the FUCK in!!!

Ok.. now due to the fact that I have had some recent run-ins with scams and fraudulent charges, I took it upon myself, many times, to read up on all the scams that could potentially take place in the city. One of them happened tonight.

We were wandering through Times Square, and I turned around to see Stuart surrounded by a bunch of guys, handing him CDs. Stuart probably had 5 or 6 in his hand, and they kept giving him more. I walked right up, respectfully declined their offer of CDs, took the CD’s away from Stuart and immediately handed them back to the guys. At first, they refused to take them, but I insisted and almost threw them into their hands. As we walked away, they all began yelling at me.

I was a fucking horse face, racist bitch... AND I was sleeping with my friends husband. Stuart, obviously.

Relevant argument for not wanting to buy a CD… ???

I've been called a lot of animal names in my life... except horse.

Somehow, I have managed to avoid

Admirable, considering I'm approaching 50, at a rapid rate.


Very odd.

I guess there were good points made there?

But still.

I've never been called horse-faced.

Personally, I think it's more oval shaped.

More pig-like.

The CD scam is that they give them to you like they’re a gift, but then hassle you for the money to pay for them after you have accepted the gift. I read that they often send muscle to collect for the CDs you took. Nicole and Mike once paid $20 for a CD and it turned out to be a blank disc. So guess I’m a horse face, racist bitch now.

Welcome to New York, Joanna.

I’m regretting leaving the Blakely and moving over to the Gallivant. I should have stuck it out. Dumb move.

The rooms that they have at the Blackly are enormous, have a certain old charm and there is room for me, should I wish to move over. Much to think about...

Due to the fact that the Gallivant is overbooked, I offered to cancel my room and go back to the Blakely. It’s not as easy as it seems though. The hotel is perfectly willing to cancel me, but it might be too much hassle again... and I'm more willing to try and have a good time instead!!!

Nicole and Mike headed to their favourite pizza joint - while the rest of us explored Times Square. We ended up at the Playwright Pub/Restaurant and feasted on expensive greasy food.

#15 on the Bucket List.

Times Square at night ✔️

Next... definitely a hot dog on the street.

NOT uneventful for a first night in New York.



Bring it!!!!!!!!!

Man... I'm tired. I don't care if I'm in a bunk bed, in a family room, with a couple, next to a psycho with no microwave... exhaustion has won...


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